For LGBTQ+ parents

Parents whose children attend LGBTQ+ friendly day cares and schools report less discrimination and less stress. Not all parents, however, walk into an environment where teachers, staff, and other families are entirely affirming and inclusive. Some LGBTQ+ parents find that they need to “step up” and be more involved than they would prefer in order to ensure a more positive environment for their children. Although it demands time and energy, involvement has a lot of benefits, including creating change (for one’s own family and future families) as well as potentially positive connections with other parents and teachers.

If you are an LGBTQ+ parent seeking a daycare or early childhood educational environment for your children, you should evaluate programs with the following questions in mind. Of note is that some of this information can be gleaned from online materials, whereas in some cases it can be obtained through speaking with a school or program administrator, or visiting the site itself.

• Paperwork: is it inclusive of different family forms, family building routes, gender identities, and relationship configurations?

•  Do teachers, materials, web-based content, etc. refer to parents and guardians (versus mothers and fathers), and/or acknowledge the potential for caregiving situations that go beyond the heterosexual two-parent family form?

•  Do photos, images, children’s books, art, toys, dolls, and music lyrics depict and promote inclusion of diverse family forms, in terms of number of parents, parent gender/gender expression, family building route, and racial makeup? 

• Are holidays, celebrations, and assignments inclusive of a diverse range of families and family-building routes? (e.g., How are Mother’s Day and Father’s Day handled? Alternatively, is there a “Parents’ Day”? How are adopted children’s unique circumstances accounted for in birthday celebrations, if at all? 

• Do teachers make an effort to use language and examples that reflect all kinds of families? Do they address hurtful and/or insensitive language choices or name-calling by children?

• Are there affinity groups or support groups for LGBTQ+ parent families, adoptive families, multiracial families, or other types of diverse families?

• Are there other LGBTQ+ parent families at the school/day care? Is the school willing to allow you to connect with them to ask questions about their experiences with the school/day care?

 You can also use these questions to evaluate secondary schools. Most people, though, do not have much choice about where their children attend school (e.g., unless they are also able to afford private school options). Therefore, the section below on advocating for your LGBTQ+ family in day cares and school may be more useful, as they pertain to ways that you can advocate for your child within the school to create a more inclusive atmosphere.

As parents, you can do a number of things to minimize discrimination against your child and family, or to effectively respond to it if it occurs.

• Talk to the school preemptively. 

Engage the school in a conversation about your family prior to the start of the school year. Explain the basic details of your family, including what your child calls each parent, and other important adults in your child’s life (e.g., the donor, the birth parents). Ask them if they have any questions. See if they would like you to suggest some resources. 

 • Get involved. 

Join the PTA or Diversity Committee, or attend their meetings and gradually seek out leadership positions. Volunteer in the classroom or at school events. Donate inclusive materials (e.g., books).

• Provide input and suggestions. 

Highlight for schools where paperwork is less than inclusive (mother, father) and provide suggestions for alternatives (parent 1, parent 2). Likewise, provide input about how celebrations, curricula, and classroom visuals could be more inclusive of LGBTQ+ parent families. 

• Investigate policies. 

Establish whether the school has policies and procedures in place for dealing with heterosexist, homophobic, and transphobic behavior at school. What are their bullying policies, for example? If sexual and gender identity and expression are not covered in such policies, advocate for including them.

• Talk to your children. 

Check in with your children about what they are experiencing at school. Use general questions, rather than asking directly if they are being targeted with comments or questions about their family. Convey that you are there to help them, and you will listen to them if and when something is going on at school and you’ll talk together about how to handle it.

• Empower your children. 

Build your child’s confidence and sense of pride. If possible, connect them to other children with LGBTQ+ parents to help them to develop a sense of community. Help them to develop a repertoire of potential responses to teasing—such as telling a teacher, ignoring it (brushing it off, walking away), and responding with a straightforward set of facts (e.g., to an insensitive question). Consider role playing various scenarios.

• Get support. 

Find a community of other LGBTQ+ parents at school, in your community, or online with whom to share experiences and ideas for advocacy.